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Been a hell of a ride. One moment I was feeling thankful for the wonderful times I spent with my friends and before I know it, I was at the rock bottom. I seriously have no explanation for it, I am really at wits-end with how the drama has spun into a soap opera. I'm using this blog entry to clear the air and from then on, I wanna try hard not to be part of the story again...
Firstly, I am sorry for causing/being the spark that caused the break-up of my friend. Though many have stood by me saying it isn't my fault, having gone through the stage of having fingers pointed at, I can't help feeling a little guilty. Be it knowingly or unknowingly, I agree that I played quite a pivotal role in the escalation of the problem back then. I probably shouldn't have done some gestures (though I deemed was appropriate) which many have said otherwise. And I have seen the aftermath of those gestures and the one important lesson I gathered; never to retrace those steps again in future. This is precisely what I am adverting. If you could just feel the magnitude of the guilt that I have been carrying on my shoulders...
Secondly, I must apologize to both parties for the sour relationship at present. If the blog issue hasn't been brought into the limelight, it would not have be blown out of proportion into its current state. We have always heard the phrase, "Honesty is the best policy". I've always held that close to my heart till I see the repercussions of being an advocate of it. On one hand, I want to be loyal (choosing to tell you about the "exclusiveness" of the blog entry) while on the other hand, I run at the risk of betraying my other friend. I was in a dilemma then and I seriously didn't know which course of action would be the right one. I went with my gut feeling based on the fact that friends should never lie/hide anything from one another... and all I got was this. And then there was this sms back before my Taiwan trip. I have no recollection what the content was but it has clearly done some colossal, irreversible damage as well. It doesn't take a genius to see that I am pretty much the bright spark for all the misunderstandings.
If it was you being placed on the guillotine, what would be your course of action? I really want your opinion on that...
As for the calling at wee hours, honestly, I'm fine with it. What I really don't understand is, why do you have to call me and tell me not to disclose it to others. I'm an open book and I guess you get what I am driving at. I wonder if you find the situation familiar but it's really like back in those days when you would hide under your blanket to call me. Then there's also these occasional times where you would ask me to come up with excuses to... Do you find all these gestures all too familiar? I realized these were what I did back then and I know deep in my heart what will eventually result from all these be it directly or indirectly. I'm really trying hard to prevent a reoccurrence coz I don't wanna go through the same ordeal again. I'm really trying to be a good friend to listen to problems but why is it that I find myself more like a thief than someone with a listening ear? You can never imagine how it feels like to have a sms that goes, "You are the cost of our break-up. Even though I said I was fine with her calling you, I didn't mean it. Which BF would be..." From a friend to foe in the split of a second. Ya, I went through that.
I reckon it isn't easy for someone to be as jovial as I am to be taken seriously. When I am telling the truth, some will take it that I am doing otherwise. I'm really just stating the truth, whether you take it or not. I'm finding so hard to please everyone. Maybe I should start placing myself on the priority list before others.
Before you point finger at me for being disloyal as a friend, please consider the points I have stated. I'm trying my best. There are some things that I am doing for the benefit of all. You may not see it but please do not doubt my sincerity. I can't stand it when people accuse me of something that I am not guilty of. Do take a step back and reconsider. Thank you.
Anyway, this entry is written with the intention to resolve the situation in any way that it could be done. I've tried and I won't try again. I've reframed myself from posting anything on this issue till now as I always thought blog is kind of forever and the last thing that I wanna do is to stain it with such... All that I am asking is to give me a break. Thank you. Let's all grow up.
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Anyway, seems like I might be going on my trip again...
I can't help but to feel sad. I've never been away during CNY... Not to mention I won't be having reunion dinner with my folks, not going to the temple to pray on chu2 xi1 and to call up my friends to tell them about their fortune for the coming year.
I'm not sure what I signed up for. There and again, there's always the first time?
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